It’s a good thing that I did not write in my journal until now. I put all of my hopes on the scale on Friday morning and it handed me my biggest disappointment of this entire journey which put me in the WORST mood. I don’t know what I expected. I had already resigned myself to the probability that I did not get into One-derland yet, but expected to be closer than I was. How could I weigh 5 pounds MORE than I did on Dec. 18th (202.4) when I have been working so hard for the last 2 weeks?
I’ll tell you why. THE HOLIDAYS!
I once followed a diet that would let me have one cheat day a week. During that day, I could eat whatever I wanted. Well, I took it too far and would eat so many calories that even when I ate lesser calories for the other 6 days, I would only maintain my weight each week. Maybe my idea of “less calories” is not enough. Maybe I am gaining more muscle than I realize. In any case, I obviously stopped doing that diet pretty quickly because it did not give me the results I wanted.
So this year, when I went far off course for 3 days over Christmas and for 2 days over New Year’s, I must have done more damage than I realized. It’s crazy how life makes you keep learning the same lessons over and over yet you continue to make the same choices! (It’s literally the definition of insanity.)
But after I weighed-in on Friday, I went to dance class and noticed that my work-out pants were falling off of me. Only when I started sweating did they stay in place. What does that say?
It probably means I am putting WAY too much stock in the scale and even being a little narrow-minded - and extremely hypocritical if I’m being honest. (My co-workers/friends were the first ones to remind me, for which I am extremely grateful.)
Because why am I doing this? So I can tout that I am in One-derland and in essence, reach some number on a scale? Am I doing this so I can go into the doctor’s office and say, “Look! I am no longer OBESE!” (Again, being honest – those ideas sound amazing to me!)
But no, I am doing this because I FEEL amazing. My energy and endurance levels are higher than they have been in years. I don’t go to bed feeling full and then wake up sweating in the middle of the night, or worse – sick! I really like the level of control I have over my calorie consumption as well. Food does not own me anymore. (Most days.)
So instead of wallowing in my frustration, I need to remember how far I’ve come and realize that this little weight gain does not take away all of the success I have achieved so far. Plus, I am NOT willing to throw in the towel. First, I do not want to lose any more ground and B, I will NOT GIVE UP AND LET FOOD WIN! I am stronger than that!
For example, today I did a Zumba dance class at 10am and then went out to lunch with my family for my husband’s birthday. I picked out the fajita chicken salad which had no cheese and lots of really tasty vegetables – including caramelized onions (yum!) – but a pretty big helping of sour cream along with a crispy shell. I know it was a better choice than my usual chicken quesadilla, but still had plenty of calories. Plus, I was really full after lunch so I know I had more than I needed.
So instead of eating supper, I grabbed a banana and went to the gym to walk. (My daughter wanted to go to open skating anyway.) But when I got to the gym, it was about to close. I knew that the mall would already be closed so I had two choices: sit in my car and wait or go for a chilly (34 degree) walk in the dark night. I chose the latter but I did not walk for very long – about 20 minutes. I stayed on the sidewalk, near a busy road so there were plenty of street lights, but I was weary of ice patches since the weather has been hovering around the freeze mark so there has been constant melting and re-freezing happening.
I could easily have stayed in my car but I knew that I wanted to make sure and burn off any extra calories that I may have consumed today. This project is important to me, dang it! My health is TOP priority in my life right now. There is only one way I am going to achieve my goals and that is if I have NO EXCUSES and just deal with each day/hurdle as it comes.
But again, there is no end game to this plan. Eating healthier and exercising more will have to become the norm or I will just gain the weight back again. That is just a fact. I have decades of experience to prove it is true.
So I go on.
I will keep working out as much as possible and tracking every calorie that passes through my mouth. I will keep weighing myself, journaling, and assessing my progress every few days, and make adjustments as necessary, so I am not completely blind-sided by weight gain. I imagine the scale will go up and down for the rest of my life, so I also need to just accept that fact as well.
It will take more time and effort to finally get to One-derland, but I need to stop giving so much credence to that place. I am living a really amazing life right now! I am healthy, stronger than I have ever been, comfortable in my skin and clothes and enjoying life in different ways instead of just eating every chance I get. That all sounds good to me! I think I will keep on keeping on!